My Roommate left! 

"Slant6" (slant-6) 01/10/2016 at 13:36 • Filed to: None

4

13

I’m not really surprised and I don’t know where he’s going but I don’t have to worry about that.

I have reason to believe I won’t get a new one. It’s the beginning of 2nd semester. Everyone from last semester that left their crazy roommates was fixed a long time ago and transfer students are all ready assigned to rooms.

It looks like I’ll be one guy in a 2 person room. I’ll move the beds together, have a workshop desk and a school desk, I’ll hang up all of my car posters, and I’ll get sooooo many plants. And I can throw all my stuff I keep on my desk in the spare wardrobe.

I’m going to talk to my RD and see what the odds are that I’ll get a new one but I’m excited.

Maybe I can get a drill press!

The Dodge for your time.

CB > Slant6 01/10/2016 at 13:40

1

Sweet Dodge. And getting rid of roommates is the best feeling in the world.

ttyymmnn > Slant6 01/10/2016 at 13:58

5

My last year in college, I managed to snag one of two single rooms in our dorm. It was tiny, but it also had its own bathroom. My girlfriend (who I would marry a year later) pretty much moved in with me. It was brilliant.

Matthew Phillips > Slant6 01/10/2016 at 14:21

1

I fixed the roommate issue by just moving off campus... I’m 22 and I refuse to live another four to five months with a 19 year old

Alfalfa > Slant6 01/10/2016 at 14:36

6

Please put a drill press in your dorm. And post a picture, of course. And when people ask why there’s a drill press in your room, just laugh at them like they just asked a ridiculous question.

Desu-San-Desu > Slant6 01/10/2016 at 14:45

16

That was me through about 50% of my college years. If I had a roommate, it’s because I really liked them and wanted to room with them. The ones I didn’t like? Well...I was really good at finding ways to make them voluntarily transfer to another room...

1st Semester: Carlos. Business major. who looked like 50 Cent, tried to make ‘Crucial’ his catchphrase, and would constantly read scripture out loud while I was trying to concentrate. 4 weeks in, he walked in while I was...”occupied” with a lady friend. 4 days of awkwardness in which he wouldn’t talk to me or make eye contact with me, he transferred rooms. Remainder of semester with the room to myself.

2nd Semester: Tyler. Business major. Really awkward dude. Lots of people thought he was a serial killer/sociopath in the making. Liked to overdress for everything. Transferred after 3 weeks of me ‘going through a death metal phase’ during which time my ‘headphones broke’, requiring me to use my computer speakers.

2nd semester, new roommate transferred in 3 weeks after Tyler left: Lawson. History Major. Really cool dude, but a massive oddball. I liked him, but it was an...interesting roommate arrangement. We both liked anime and video games and had really bizarre senses of humor. He once set off the fire alarm because he forgot to add water to a bowl of Easy Mac before microwaving it. We happen to live in the same town now and still chat and hang out sometimes.

3rd Semester: Mike. Communications major. Awesome guy. We’re still great friends today. We co-hosted our own Rock & Stand-Up Comedy mix campus radio show on the weekends. Many adventures were had. Was also friends with Lawson. Halfway through semester, Mike and CJ wanted to room together. CJ had a 5th-floor central room with floor-to-ceiling windows behind the elevator. I agreed to trade with him. Remainder of semester was spent with the new room to myself. I made it a pretty bitchin’ bachelor pad.

4th Semester: Alex. Theatre Performance major. Ex-Banana Republic Model. Super quirky and wouldn’t admit he was bisexual. He was either gay or straight, depending on how many attractive examples of which sex were present at the time. He totally loved the bachelor pad motif and went with it. Many adventures we had together. He once dared me to spray my junk with Axe body spray (do not ever do this). I dared him to make out with a bicycle tire while I worked the pedals. He left school after 2 months due to family emergency. Remainder of semester was spent with room to myself. My girlfriend basically lived in my room for most of that time.

5th semester:Changed buildings to the co-ed dorm where my girlfriend was roomed. Semester started with Luther. Business major from Florida. Very thuggish and homophobic; enjoyed listening to bad hip-hop and country music at low volume but sing along just loud enough to be obnoxious. Broke my $130 Harmony Remote but wouldn’t own up to it. Proved to be my biggest challenge yet. 3 weeks of cabbage-induced flatulence, insisting on inconveniently-timed meditation sessions, extremely gory horror movies and loud Broadway musical movie adaptions on the TV (he hated both), and using my surround-sound system at max volume as an alarm clock with Gunnery Sgt. Hartman insults as my alarm tone left him unmoved.

Decided to hit him with a double whammy. After lunch, I invited my flamboyantly gay friend Daniel over to play video games. An intentionally suggestive tickle fight under the covers makes Luther uncomfortable and he leaves for dinner early. He returns while I’m in the shower. He asks where Daniel is. I reply by yelling that he needed to go buy more condoms, but don’t mention anything to my girlfriend. He leaves, saying he’s going to the club. He comes back at 1am, during which time I have made preparations.

He walks in to see me and three of my friends (Daniel, Mike, and my girlfriend), all of us in hooded black robes from the theatre department, standing around a salt pentagram with the lights off, black and red candles all over my side of the room, each of us holding a thick leather-bound black book (The Complete Works of William Shakespeare) and a dagger (fake prop, again from the theatre department), chanting in slow Latin-sounding gibberish. When he walks in, we look up and Mike says “Oh, perfect timing!”, gesturing with his dagger.

Luther wordlessly turns around and walks away, leaving the door open behind him. Once we hear the elevator close, we all die laughing. Luther doesn’t return for the rest of the night. In fact, I never saw him again. When I got back from my morning classes the next day, he was completely moved out. I had the room to myself for the rest of the semester.

ttyymmnn > Desu-San-Desu 01/10/2016 at 15:04

2

You’re a monster.

Desu-San-Desu > ttyymmnn 01/10/2016 at 15:11

4

Correct number of syllables, but your spelling is off. I think the correct spelling is G-E-N-I-U-S.

Desu-San-Desu > ttyymmnn 01/10/2016 at 15:15

2

BTW, if you ever want to use the Hartman alarm tone, I uploaded it to YouTube. Took me forever to comb through the movie, isolate each insult, and re-splice them together into a somewhat cohesive series of insults as a single monologue.

Playing this at max volume with a 7.1 surround sound system and pretending to sleep through most of it pissed off a lot of the people on my hall until I let them in on the plan.

bob and john > Desu-San-Desu 01/10/2016 at 15:39

0

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

THIS IS FUCKING GREAT

CCC (formerly CyclistCarCoexist) > Desu-San-Desu 01/10/2016 at 16:53

2

Meanwhile, Luther spends his days back in Florida, pondering what had happened last night.

qbeezy > Desu-San-Desu 01/10/2016 at 17:38

1

Dude, you’re SAVAGE lol.

Denver Is Stuck In The 90s > Desu-San-Desu 02/08/2016 at 21:02

1

Dont take this the wrong way but, I love you.

Mark - Sixpots None The Richer > Desu-San-Desu 03/12/2016 at 21:41

0

I can’t help but wondering about their perspective. Yeah, you told us the story on Oppo and for all we know - and hope! - you’re normal - whatever this means.

Still...

“Really he farted for three weeks straight - while meditating? Yuck!!”

“He really pretended to celebrate a black mess just to irritate you? That’s embarrasingly childish. You did the right thing, Luther!”